I fear

The more I know you
The more I like to hear

The less I talk with you
The more I fear!

What happened on 16th June?

Dreams Interrupted

With the kind of contacts I had back then, I wanted to be the marketing face of a new start up I was planning with my friends. I had applied for IGNOU’s study centre in Bokaro and I was hopeful of getting that (actually I got it in early months of 2007).

I remember

I was hit when I was least prepared. I could not recollect anything but the pain of head bleeding profusely. I remember a stranger, a god sent saviour, auto driver Sanjay Singh who requested his passengers to get down, take other auto so that he could take me to nearby hospital opposite St Xavier College in Ranchi.

I remember

Faces of my parents, family members, uncle and aunt who love me more than their child. I remember rage, anger, strong feeling of revenge. The trauma, the realization of lingering outcome of the brain injury, I remember who directed me to come to Delhi to pursue career. I remember my lacklustre start of my second innings with Indian Retail School which was later merged with its parent company, Pearl Academy.

I remember

Transferring that pain, anger on the closed ones. I remember what a selfless institution did to help me recover, repair the damages. In profession I came across a few awesome personalities, fiery and head straight. I remember deciding to start afresh, accepting the current situation and deciding to move on,  resolving to reclaim against odds. I remember recollecting my energies and focusing again to live my dream.

I do have anger but you ask which one I would choose, punishing those who were guilty or returning good to those who did good to me, I will beyond doubt choose the latter always.

When I discovered power of concise writing

Right through my college days, I used writing to connect with relatives and friends (I had penfriends I regret to have lost contact withL, though at times, this writing would stretch a bit.  But my friendship with a sweet and talkative girl who had come to spend summer with her elder sister in the neighbourhood led me discover the power of concise writing.

In some part of my life I was a shy guy, found it difficult to initiate a talk with a girl, even more if she was beautiful which this new neighbour definitely was! Talking to her was tough but she initiated. She dominated the talking and my part was restricted to one word aids of ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘ok’, ‘hmm’ and likes simply to convey I was listening.

In spite of her constant encouragement I found it difficult to talk to her and she had even warned me to end friendship if I failed to talk just like the way she did. My transformation to a chatterbox was impossible but I thought of a middle path because I had started liking her more than a friend.  

I gifted her a chocolate box, a crystal dolphin (she loved dolphins) and a 5”x7” Hallmark card before she left for her town. This simple card had a cute kitten peeping from the bush image on the front page and on the inside page it had set of three words (it was not ‘yes I do’ or ‘I luv u’) but it worked.

I never needed to explain my lack-of-words to her ever. I always cherish the good memories with this friend and those who may be interested in knowing, the inside page read ‘Shy but interested.’               

What am I doing to my life?

This question may make many of us sad, leave many clueless; leave others in bad taste but I think now I have a vision which I want to share. In my life, up till now, fear played an important role in my upbringing and how I tackled fear proved even more significant role. 

For a few days I was going through bad patches, too much thinking about wrong decisions I made in life, troubled sleep, no help from psychological sleeping, yoganidra, worries about things that concerned, and then I realised, no wait, I’m still alive and have choice to change. 

Have seen how wilful change in perspective, approach and attitude make difference. Regained confidence, restarted working on mental plans I had made early this year. I have acquired knowledge, gathered insights, have better social understanding now; I've also learned to make adjustment with people who were strict-no-just-coz-not-my-type before. 
       
I had lost touch with myself, in customizing, during these years; I'm assuming my own form.  Now that I have a vision, I’m engaged giving it a desired shape. Understanding fear in a better way will speed up the shaping for sure.

Way to eternity

Before we close our eyes forever, we are habituated to receive our daily dose of death. We fear, we die; we hesitate, we die; we hurt, we die; we doubt, we die; we limit, we die....

It must stop.